As I write this post, my heart and soul pushing me to type each word, tears are spilling from my eyes. I feel ridiculous. I am blessed. I have everything that a 20 year old girl could possibly want. I have a wonderful job, doting fiance, fantastic friends and of course, a family that drives me utterly crazy but I wouldn’t change a single one of them for all the wonders of the world.
It breaks my heart that, despite having every reason to feel blissfully, irrevocably happy, (and I do, for the most part!) I allow the tiny and irrelevant problems that we all face in life to control and consume me. I worry about everything.
Yep, this is me ^.
When I first started out as a blogger (feeling way out of my depth), I was consumed by a foolish illusion that if I didn’t post on a daily basis, my time as a blogger would be limited and my world would be doomed to failure. (Dramatic, I know.) Each and every day, I am flooded with delight to see my favourite Bloggers Tweeting links to their latest posts, and my favourite Vloggers uploading thirty-minute hair tutorials, guides to constructing red-carpet-ready makeup and even teachings in fanciful nail art.
And yet, I can’t help but to feel an enormous sense of guilt, and frustration.
For me, blogging is a release. It is the diary I kept at 7 years old, a secret world in which I can share my darkest fears, my deepest desires and my dreams of a bright, blissfully happy future. It is a place where I am cocooned, safely away from reality, from the doom and gloom of our terror-stricken world, and the place in which I can be the truest version of myself, however ‘flowery’ and ‘crazy’ she may be. But managing that sacred place, a full-time job and a social life is inherently challenging and, as I am sure some of you will know, things can quickly become all-too overwhelming.
Back in February, the comfortable bubble of my life had been cruelly burst. I lost my Grandma, which broke my heart. Then, just weeks later, Michael and I bought our first home together, but our delight was quickly shunned when I lost – what I thoroughly believed was, at the time – my dream job. I don’t know whether I was more devastated that the magazine I worked for, and truly loved, had gone out of business, or that I had lost such a seemingly perfect job. Regardless, I was completely crushed. I felt like my career, which had flourished until that point, had crumpled before I had ever had the chance to leave the start line. I was broken.
I wanted to blog about my feelings and my heartbreak. But I couldn’t find the words to talk about how deeply I was hurting. I felt a piece of me had died along with my Grandma, and utterly humiliated that I had lost a job I had never hesitated to brag about. Family and friends had been consistent in telling me I’d done so well so young…but all good things, as they say, come to an end. And I felt like I had let those who so thoroughly believed in me down. And, I wholeheartedly believed that a seemingly bright future I had ahead of me had slipped through my fingers.
Since losing that job, and that beautiful house, I have somehow managed to pull myself together. I quickly found myself, breathless and terrified, in a chair, being interviewed for what really was my dream job. And, thanks to some lucky star or guardian angel, I got it. Now, I am working at the heart of Media City, mingling with the stars of BBC and ITV whilst writing features for the national women’s magazines and proving to myself that, actually, I do have every reason to feel blessed. And, that bright future that lies ahead can only slip through my fingers if I let it. Michael is impressing all the right people at work, and now, we’re once again hunting for that perfect first home.
And now, I’m a little bit more like this^.
If there’s one thing I have learned this year, it is that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, life throws horrible things in our direction, but I have come to realise that those horrible things are what define our character. How we deal with those things tells us who we are, and I have come to realise in the past six months that the most difficult, gruelling roads often lead to the most beautiful destinations.
Definitely me, sans hairbrush microphone^.
Thank you for being so patient with me over the past couple of months. I am working so hard to keep my life together, and it means everything in the world to me to know that you wonderful people haven’t given up on me whilst I have been away. To each and every one of you, thank you. I love you.
Have you had to endure a difficult journey this year?
Follow me on Twitter @varleylou.
Until next time…